Jesus in a Wheelchair

I saw Jesus in a wheelchair in the airport in Boise, Idaho on Monday, December 3 morning at 8:45.

I thought he was talking to himself, but after further review I realized he was talking to his mother on a bluetooth ear-mic-cell-phone.

He didn’t call her “Mary” but that must be her name. He was a black man, about 60, and wore impeccably white tennis shoes. I guess if you’re in a wheelchair you don’t put much wear on your tennies, but these were exceptionally, blindingly white.

“Mamma, I prayed da blood o’ Jesus on dis airplane, on da pilot, and all da passengers”, he cupped into his ear-piece with extraordinarily long fingers.

“Ain’t nobody dyin’ on this trip.. ha ha. Mamma, ain’t nobody gittin’ hurt on dis plane, I pled’ da’ blood a’ Jeeeesus on dis flight, glory to God!”.

My ears perked up. Anybody “prayin’” the “blood o’Jeeeesus” on me deserves an ear.

“Mamma,” he whispered, “you know I’m Jeeeesus, an ai’m gonna haijak dis plain”.

What? I can’t believe it. In this post 9/11 age someone is openly talking about hijacking? Should I report it? Will I make more trouble than it’s worth?

“I gonna haijak dis plain’ an I gonna show dem how Jesus is Lo’d o’ all, Mamma”.

No way!

I thought hijackers only hijacked in the name of Mohammad. “Allah Ahba”… or whatever.

“Mamma, ain’t nobody on dis plane realize how much Jesus means to dem.”

Oh yeah?

“I gonna show dem dat Jesus an’ we share our DNA, ’cause I’m Jesus”.

I’m all ears.

“Yes, Mamma, DNA - “Dis Not All”. “It ain’t over”. “Jesus shed his blood so dat dese people won’t haf to die, it ain’t over”.

Oh, that’s what it was all about?

“Mamma, I yo’ yungest babay o’ five, I ain’t lai’in, I lookin ‘roun and I see all dese people hoo don’ no Jeeeesus.”

Pause

“An Mamma, I been prayin’ fo’ dem”.

Pause

“Yes Mamma, dey aw wite foks, an’ Jeeesus lov’ dem too”.

He looks at me and knows I’m listening to him. So are about five other people within earshot.

The gate checker is right there next to the man who calls himself Jesus. He must have heard the terrorist say he was going to hijack the airplane. Surely he’s going to escort Jesus out of the boarding area!

“Flight 420 to Denver will be boarding shortly, if you have any children or special needs please board at this time”.

Jesus is sitting in a wheelchair that has “SKYCAPS, DO NOT REMOVE” blazoned in white letters on the back of the seat.

I’m thinking; “Who would rip off a wheelchair? No less a SKYCAP wheelchair?”

A gate attendant approaches Jesus. “OK troublemaker, you’re boarding now.”

Troublemaker?! This guy is going to hijack the airplane. He thinks he’s Jesus! He’s not a troublemaker, he’s a terrorist!

“Oh ma’am, I ain’t no trubl’ mak’r” says Jesus. “I gonna pray fo’ you. You don’ call me a trub’l mak’r o’ I gonna pray fo’ you”.

Oh Great! He’s threatening to pray for the attendant. Since when was prayer something to threaten a gate attendant with? Jesus? Are you really threatening someone with prayer?

He has a walker that has to go with him on the wheelchair. The attendant swiftly places the walker on the wheelchair and whisks Jesus to the boarding gate while he continues to jabber into his earpiece….

“Mamma, dey callin’ me a trubl’ makr’. I yo’ yungist’ baby an dey calln’ me a trubl’ makr’! Mebbe’ I bring da ‘rath a’ Gad’ down on ‘em?”

The attendant quietly and quickly wheels Jesus toward the jet way.

“I ain’t no trubl’ makr’ ma’am.” He grabs the attendant’s attention, “My mamma’ don’ like you.”

Ok.. Do I want to get on this flight? The “rath a’ Gad” may be dangerous. Jesus may hijack this plane and we may all die! Maybe.

I go ahead and board the plane….this is too good to NOT be a part of.

I hope Jesus is seated next to me. I’ve never thought of sitting next to Jesus on a flight to Denver, en-route to Philadelphia. This could be an interesting conversation. What would we talk about? The Patriot’s undefeated season, or Obama versus Hilary, or, Paul’s epistles? How about this: “What was your brother James thinking when he said that “faith without works is dead”, in direct contradiction to Paul’s doctrine that salvation is by faith alone?”

I board the plane and squeeze down the aisle with a hundred other people and see Jesus in 7A.

That’s appropriate. He couldn’t be seated in row 6 could he?

I’m in 19F; steerage.

As we begin the take-off sequence I look out the window and see that the flaps are not set correctly. They should be at 15degrees. Instead I see that they are only at 5degrees. The plan will crash! Surely Jesus has jinxed us!

I’m not sure I want this Jesus praying for me, or praying the ‘blood o’ Jeeesus” on me.

Can Jesus in 7A just keep to himself and let the rest of us fly to Denver?

The plane takes off ok. Maybe 5degrees is ok after all and the pilots might actually know more than I.

Jesus….Please stay in 7A and stop prayin’ fo’ people. I just want to get to Philadelphia in one piece.

This entry was posted on 4. December 2007 at 23:34 and is filed under Travels. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

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